


If I Could Change One Thing

by 2Minutes2Midnight



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Free Will, M/M, References to Croatoan/Endverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-07-23 18:49:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16164755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2Minutes2Midnight/pseuds/2Minutes2Midnight
Summary: Spoilers through Season 5 finale. When Dean gets sent into the future where he refuses Michael, he vows to change one thing, if nothing else. He must prevent Castiel from becoming human. No matter the cost.





	1. 05.04/The End

**Author's Note:**

> First Post on AO3! Also my first foray into Supernatural, hopefully I did the genre justice. This work has not been beta read, but it is complete.

 

“If I could change one thing” 

 

Chapter One: 05.04/The End

 

 

 

 2014, Camp Chitaqua

* * *

 

 

     “Cas, where did it all go wrong?” Dean sighed, taking a swig of whiskey. They were watching the sunrise together. Possibly the last one they'd be together for.

 

     Cas shook his head and chuckled. The laugh didn't quite seem right, and Dean bit his cheek from saying anything.

     

     “Wrong side of destiny I suppose. Didn't I tell you once that you couldn't change fate?”

 

_**You can't change destiny, Dean** _

 

     “Always thought there'd be another way, that we'd have more time. This is our last chance, if we don't get the colt, we won't survive long enough to track it down again.”

 

     Cas stared at Dean for a long moment. “We don't even know if it'll work.”

 

     Dean sighed. “I know...Cas, I know. It's our only shot. We gotta at least try.”

 

     Cas patted Dean's shoulder. Dean remembered a time when that small gesture made him feel like everything would be alright.

 

     “We need a win.” Cas agreed.

 

     Dean snorted. “I don't believe in miracles.”

 

     Cas stared at Dean for a long moment. “Neither do I. Not anymore..”

 

_**Good things do happen, Dean** _

 

     Cas stood up, stretching his legs. “I..I've got a-uh. Meeting planned.”

 

     Dean chuckled. “Yeah yeah, go drown yourself in decadence. I've gotta prepare to go get the colt.”

 

     “Just..don't die.” Cas whispered, turning for his cabin.

 

     “Cas!” Dean called out, as the fallen angel made it to the beaded curtain. “You are my win.”

 

     Castiel paused, turning his face back towards Dean. Dean swore he could see the faintest glimmer of who Cas used to be- with that Mona Lisa smile as he once nicknamed it, in a simpler time.

 

     It was a long time before Dean returned to his cabin to get ready for the raid. Before he did, he stared up at the stars, beginning to fade in the first rays of sunlight.

 

     “You know I hate prayin'..feels too much like begging. Last time I said I would never do it again. If you're out there, please just..let this work. I've suffered, we all have. This has to end.”

 

     If Dean looked hard enough, he might've swore he saw a distant star wink in response.

 

The next evening

* * *

 

 

     “If I could do it over again, I'd say yes in a heartbeat.”

 

     “So why don't you?” 2009 Dean challenged.

 

     “I've tried! I've shouted 'yes' till I was blue in the face! The angels aren't listening! They just left...gave up!” Dean's voice rose as he spoke, regret and anger seeping into each word. “It's too late for me, but for you..”

 

_**It'll be far worse for you. Michael is much more powerful..** _

 

     “Oh no, there's gotta be another way.” The younger Dean shook his head in denial.

 

     “Yeah, that's what I thought. I was cocky. Never actually thought I'd lose. But I was wrong.” he stared into his younger self's eyes, imploring. “Dean, I was wrong.”

 

     The younger version of himself swallowed hard.

 

     “I'm begging you. Say 'yes'.”

 

     A long moment passed.

 

     “But you won't.” The older Dean spoke, voice quiet, defeated. “Cause I didn't.” He took a few steps putting his hands on his hips. “Because that's just not us, is it?”

 

     The Dean from 2009 stared hard at his older self, like looking into a mirror. The older Dean scoffed, looking away.

 

     Dean turned to leave his older self to his thoughts.

 

     “Wait.” he sighed loudly. “There's something else you should know..”

 

     The Dean of 2009 stopped, glancing over his shoulder before turning around, arms folded, jaw set.

 

     “If you won't listen to anything else, just please listen to this.” His voice cracked and he looked away. “You gotta save Cas.”

 

     “From what?” his younger self asked.

 

     “This. All of it. I know you won't say yes..and if you try, Cas and Sam will try to stop you. But..you can't let this happen to him, man. It ain't right.”

 

     “Dude, I have no idea what you're talking about. Cas is here, isn't he? He's fine.” the younger Dean seemed exasperated. He suddenly felt bad for Sam, who had to deal with his antics his whole life. Arguing with himself was not easy.

 

     “When the angels abandoned us, Cas became human. I know saving Sam from being an angel condom is all you're worried about right now, but you gotta look at the bigger picture.” Older-Dean took a deep breath, looking away, steeling his resolve. He felt his breath hitch slightly as his mind spun through all Cas suffered through the years. Clenching his fist he narrowed his eyes at his younger-self.

 

_**I need your help. Because you are the only one who will help me. Please.** _

 

     “Don't you ask him to stay. Not ever. When it's over, when you miraculously save the world- whether you say yes to Michael or not...let him go home.”

 

     “Cas' home is with me.” 2009 Dean stood his ground.

 

     “It is _not._ Cas doesn't belong on Earth. His mission was to prevent the seals from breaking and then de-rail the apocalypse. He's already rebelled, gave everything for us. But you gotta tell him to leave after.”

 

_**I killed two angels this week. I rebelled and I did it- all of it- for you..and you failed.** _

 

     “Isn't that his choice? He's a freakin' angel! I don't tell him what to do- he made that abundantly clear.” 2009 Dean argued, crossing his arms.

 

     The older Dean scoffed. “Yeah, I remember when Cas still had a stick up his ass. Full of holy wrath and faith. Look at him now!” he bellowed.

 

     “Cas is our friend, I'm not going to send him away.”

 

     “Everything he's done, everything he's ever done since he raised us from hell has been for us. That crazy son of a bitch wouldn't think twice about following us right to the end of the line, even completely powerless just so we don't die alone. Even if it's guaranteed to fail.”

 

_**So what? I'm Thelma and you're Louise and we're just gonna sail off this cliff together?** _

 

     2009 Dean paused at this. He could feel bile rising up in his throat. He flinched as his future self drew closer, raising his voice.

 

     “The Cas you see here? He's not the same, man. He's an ember of what he used to be. Not a full angel, but not really human either. Losing his grace didn't magically get him a soul!”

 

     “What?” 2009 Dean chewed his lip.

 

     “You don't get it do you? Wow. Yeah, I guess back then I was so caught up in my own mess I never stopped to give two shits about what it all meant for him.” he sighed, scrubbing at his face with his hands.

 

     “So...what happens to an angel..when they die?” 2009 Dean asked, though he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer.

 

     “The Empty, Dean. No afterlife, no flashbacks of greatest memories. Just oblivion. Entities without souls don't produce their own heaven, and they can't share a heaven. You know what though? That ain't even the worst of it.” 2014 Dean could feel his voice crack.

 

     “Do you truly understand what Castiel is? Truly?” his voice quieted.

 

     “He's...an angel. Warrior of god, yeah I know what Cas is.”

 

     “No you don't get it at all. I know I didn't. Not until it was too damn late!” 2014 Dean banged his fist on the table before stalking to the other side of the room and pouring himself some whiskey. He downed it quick before sighing, eyeing his younger self sadly.

 

     “Cas is...he's old. Ancient, older than the god damn Earth. He can understand quantum physics, string theory, the whole space time continuum mumbo jumbo and every language ever written to a degree that can't even be _taught_ to a human. Probably a billion other concepts that we don't even know about. Infinitely intelligent. What a human can understand of this crazy world and universe is so damn limited. Too limited.”

 

     The Dean from 2009 poured himself out some whiskey as well. A pit formed in the bottom of his stomach. He wanted to argue- but couldn't find a single damn counter point.

 

     “If you love him, send him home. You don't get to be selfish on this. Let him wait for you upstairs, for us. 'Cause uh, I don't know if you've noticed, but hunters don't get much in the way of lifespans.” 2014 Dean watched as his younger self contemplated the severity of the situation.

 

     “Dude, Me an Cas? I don't, uh...” Younger Dean ran his hands through his hair. “We're friends, but it's not like _that_. Team Free Will.”

 

     “Oh I know.” The Dean of 2014 laughed bitterly. “One day you'll realize it, and it'll be too late. He already loves you, you damn idiot.”

 

_**I was becoming too close to the humans in my charge..you.** _

 

     “A human lifetime is the blink of an eye for an angel. Don't condemn Cas to a short, painful human life spent in a prison of a vessel. He deserves better than that and you know it. Everything bad that has ever happened to Cas, since pulling us out of hell is our fault. Look inside yourself, you know it's true.”

 

     “Cas-he..he's truly, that miserable?” 2009 Dean felt the room spin, but not from the shot of whiskey.

 

 

     “You tell me. Does the Cas you know seem interested in orgies and drugs to you?”

 

     2009 Dean shrugged. “Maybe that has more to do with you.”

 

     The Dean from 2014 narrowed his eyes. “Remember what I said, and talk to him yourself. You'll be riding with him.”

 

     It was a short time later Dean found himself riding shotgun while the former angel drove. That in itself was a damn shock to the system. He listened patiently as Cas told him that there was nothing left in this world for him but decadence.

 

     “Why not bang a few gongs before the lights go out?” Cas said with an unnerving grin. “But then, that's just how I roll.” he added.

 

     Several minutes of quiet passed.

 

     “I think all we have left, Dean and I, is each other.” Cas added quietly.

 

     “Cas, I'm sorry that it's come to this. I am.” Dean sighed deeply. Cas felt his breath hitch, but he kept it together.

 

     “It's ok, Dean.”

 

     “If you could go back..would you leave when the angels did? Knowing what you know now?”

 

     Cas' grip on the steering wheel tightened and he closed his eyes for a moment.

 

     “It doesn't matter now.” Cas said through his teeth.

 

     “It does to me, Cas. I'm gonna do whatever it takes to stop this from happening.”

 

     Cas offered a soft, affectionate smile. For a moment, behind the shagginess and stubble, Dean could see _his_ Cas.

 

     “Dean, I don't know if I'd have been better off leaving. Maybe I could've convinced the angels not to give up. Maybe I would've found god. Who knows? When I made my choice, it was the only real choice for me. After...after everything we've been through together..I couldn't leave him. Couldn't leave _you_. The choice will always be  _you_.”

 

     “Why? What makes me so special?” Dean felt a lump form in his throat as Cas pinned him with a piercing gaze. It took him right back to that night, in a barn...

 

_**You don't think you deserve to be saved?** _

 

     Cas smirked. “Haven't I told you before? You're different. Always have been. But it's more than that. Dean, I observed humanity for millenia. It wasn't really living, it was just existing. But, when I met you- in just a short few years, I felt things. I experienced things. They changed me, for better or worse. I don't think I ever could've gone back to just observing.”

 

     “But..you could've waited in Heaven for me.” Dean mumbled. He could feel Cas' piercing eyes on him, but he couldn't look him in the eyes.

 

     “Yeah, maybe. But would you have forgiven me? For never answering your prayers, your longing? Could I have lived with myself after, knowing I could've stayed, could've helped?”

 

     Dean sighed. “The fate of the world doesn't rest on one angel.”

 

     Cas chuckled to himself. “But it's ok if that weight rests solely on you?” Dean stared into those ancient, knowing eyes for a long moment before looking out his window.

 

     The rest of the ride was silent.

 

 

     Later

 

* * *

 

     “You mean you're going to feed your friends into a meat grinder? Cas too?” Dean asked incredulously. “You want to use their deaths as a diversion.”

 

     The future-Dean looked away, silent.

 

     “Oh man, something is broken in you. You're making decisions that I would never make. I would never sacrifice my friends.”

 

     Future-Dean narrowed his eyes at his younger, naive self. “You're right. You wouldn't. It's one of the main reasons we're in this mess actually.”

 

     “These people count on you, they trust you.”

 

     “They trust me to kill the devil and to save the world, and that's exactly what I'm gonna do.”

 

     “No, not like this you're not. I won't let you.” Dean challenged his future self. He never even saw the blow coming.

 

     It ended up being pointless. He woke up a short time later to the sounds of gunfire. He confronted Lucifer in his brother's body. Words were exchanged, but they didn't mean much. When Zachariah appeared, Dean was ready to make some difficult choices.

 

2009, Kansas City

* * *

 

 

     Just as things started to get hairy with Zachariah, Dean found himself on the side of the road next to Castiel.

 

     “That's pretty nice timing Cas.” Dean said with a relieved smile.

 

     “We had an appointment.” Cas stated, and Dean could see just a hint of affection on the angel's face.

 

     Dean felt a wave of emotion- fondness, sadness. Perhaps a tinge of regret at everything Castiel has sacrificed for him. Everything he will sacrifice for him. The emotions washed over his face briefly before he regained his composure. He reached for Castiel's shoulder with his left hand, right hand emphasizing his words.

 

     “Don't ever change.”

  

     He let his hand drop. Castiel's eyes followed the movement, a small hint of amusement crossing his face.

 

     “How did Zachariah find you?”

 

     “Long story.” Dean replied, pulling out his phone. “Let's just stay away from Jehovah's Witnesses from now on, okay?”

 

     Castiel watched Dean curiously. “What are you doing?”

 

     “Something I should've done in the first place.” Dean answered, hitting speed dial and holding the phone to his ear.

 

      After a brief conversation with Sam, he hung up.

 

     “So where did Zachariah send you? Did he torture you again?” Castiel asked, his deep voice sounded rough, protective even.

 

     Dean took a deep breath. He regarded Castiel for a long moment. Everything he had seen in those three days swirled through his head. Particularly, the fate of a certain angel.

 

     “Not where...when.”

 

     If Castiel was surprised, he didn't show it. He just looked into Dean's eyes, same as always. It somehow felt different now- and whether that was a recent development, or perhaps just Dean being less oblivious, he couldn't be certain. Maybe the knowledge that no matter what, Cas would always choose him had opened his eyes to just how strong their connection was. Dean thought for a moment of future Castiel, human and hopeless. He thought of his future self, begging him not to condemn Castiel to a pathetic fate, but sacrificing him as a decoy the next day anyways.

 

     “What did you see? Did you learn anything?” Castiel asked.

 

     “Saw more than I ever wanted to. Zach wanted me to see just how bad it gets. Croatoan virus everywhere- demons too. The future-me wants me to say yes. Now.”

 

     Castiel contemplated his words. “If that is true, we may not be able to change it. Destiny can't be changed, Dean.”

 

     “If it can't be changed, what was the point in Zach showing it to me?” Dean countered.

 

     There was a twitch at the corner of Castiel's mouth. “You could be on to something. Some things are inevitable. You going to hell, for example. That was foretold by god himself. It was unavoidable. But if Zachariah sent you to the future to have you make a different decision, there must be a split in the path. One leads to the future you described, another to a different one. He must know something that we don't.”

 

     Dean sighed. “You're making my head hurt, Cas.”

 

     “But still- I think we shouldn't give up yet. We will try to find the colt.” Castiel regarded Dean a moment. “You were tired when I called. I doubt your trip to the future was restful.”

 

     A rush of wind, and Dean found himself in a run down cabin.

 

     “Where are we?” Dean asked, glancing around.

 

     “Approximately 30 miles northwest of Des Moines, Iowa. An abandoned farmhouse.”

 

     “Uh, Cas, why are we here?” Dean asked, staring at Cas as if he'd lost his mind.

 

      “You need rest.”

 

     “Here? Why here?”

 

     Cas stared for a moment. “We haven't been here before. Zachariah will not give up looking for you. I don't want him to be able to guess where you've gone. We'll go back for your car in the morning.” Cas stated simply as he began drawing warding sigils around the house.

 

     “I thought the uh- carvings on my ribs made it so I couldn't be found?” Dean asked as he watched Castiel work. He stretched a bit, feeling the weariness catch up to him.

 

     “Yes, but it doesn't keep them from finding me.” Cas answered as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

 

     “Y-you're staying here?”

 

     Cas gave an exasperated sigh. “Yes. Or do you want to risk Zachariah catching you again and torturing you? Or throwing you into some other apocalyptic future where I can't find you?”

 

     Dean closed his eyes, flopping onto the couch. “I just..It's a lot to deal with.”

 

     Castiel stared at Dean for a moment, something softening in his posture. “I know, Dean. I'm..not always good at keeping track of what your needs are, but I'm trying to understand.”

 

     Dean opened one eye and met Castiel's concerned gaze.

 

     “You know watching people sleep is creepy, Cas.”

 

     Castiel gave Dean a disapproving look.

 

     “Well, last time I left you alone to sleep, you disappeared.”

 

     Dean sighed. “You're right. I jus- forget it, ok?” Dean shifted, trying to get comfortable. There was a bit of a chill in the air and he shivered slightly. A few seconds later, he heard the crackle of fire and sat up. Crouched in front of the dusty fireplace was Castiel, who slowly stood up. Within moments he felt the fire pushing back the chill in the room.

 

     “Sleep well, Dean.” Cas spoke quietly, walking away.

 

     Dean could feel his presence nearby, but when he cracked his eyes, he couldn't see him. It wasn't long before he was sound asleep. He would never admit he found it comforting.

 

     The next day, Castiel took Dean to the Impala, as promised.

 

     Dean turned around to thank Castiel, but he was already gone. He shook his head and got in the car, he had a relationship to repair with his brother. The meeting point he agreed to with Sam was several hours away. He was glad for the temporary solitude.

 

     He had to figure out not only how to keep Lucifer out of Sam and stop the apocalypse, but also how to save Cas. He deserved that much, he knew. For a moment, he considered telling the angel what the future had in store for him if he continued on this path. He wondered if Castiel would still follow him on blind faith anyways. He sighed to himself, already knowing the answer.

 

 

 


	2. Nightmare

“If I Could Change One Thing”

 

Chapter Two: Nightmare

 

 

It was several days later before Dean saw Castiel again. He was sitting on the hood of the Impala, looking up at the stars. He sensed it a fraction of a second before he felt a gust of wind and heard the rustling of feathers.

 

“Hey Cas.” Dean said, without turning towards the angel.

 

“Hello Dean.” Castiel replied. He considered Dean a moment, then looked up at the stars.

 

“Any luck?” Dean asked quietly.

 

Castiel sighed. “Unfortunately no. How are things with you and Sam?”

 

“We're working on it. We don't always see eye to eye..but I need him, Cas. He keeps me human. I learned a lot when I got sent to 2014.”

 

Castiel nodded. “It's late, Dean. Why are you still up?”

 

“Can't sleep I guess. I'm lost, Cas. I thought what we were doing was right, now I'm not so sure.”

 

“Yes, that's what is difficult about having free will. You can never be certain that you're making the right choice.”

 

“I'm not so sure there is free will, Cas. Everywhere I turn, all I hear is destiny this, prophecy that. What's the point? I can't fix any of this- I'm just a man.”

 

“While it is true that you are human, and that you were born to be Michael's vessel, there are millions of other choices you can make to change the course. I believe that. I do. My father believed in free will. Angels, humans, even demons. We all have it.”

 

“I wish I had your faith, Cas.”

 

Castiel looked up at the stars. “I wish circumstances were different.”

 

“I know, Cas, I know. But did you ever stop and wonder where you fit into all of this?” Dean asked.

 

_**I went mortal. I think it had something to do with the other angels leaving. But when they bailed, my mojo just kind of...** _

 

“Dean? What do you mean?”

 

“At the end of all of this- win or lose, what happens to you?”

 

Castiel was quiet for a long moment.

 

“Dean, we're in this together. Ever since I banished Zachariah and pulled you out of that green room. Ever since I told you that an archangel would appear if the prophet were threatened..”

 

“Cas, I know that.”

 

“Stop interrupting. I'm trying to explain. Spending time with you, it's..expanded my perspective. I'll follow this through. To whatever end.”

 

“What if we win? We ice the devil and the apocalypse is over. Then what?”

 

Castiel was quiet a moment. “I can't say for certain. To be honest, I never anticipated I'd make it this far. When Raphael killed me- I thought for sure that was it. Over four and a half billion years of existence by the human perspective at least, and it ends trying to stop the apocalypse from starting. I thought it was a worthy end. But I have to believe I was brought back for a reason.”

 

Dean took a deep breath.

 

_**Cas is...he's old. Ancient, older than the god damn Earth.** _

 

Dean looked up at the sky. He wondered if the angels could see the stars from Heaven.

 

“What's on your mind, Dean? Something's bothering you, I can feel it.” His vibrant eyes pierced through Dean in that uncanny, alien way they always did.

 

“Ever since I went to the future I've been messed up, man.” Dean sighed.

 

“We'll stop it. You've got Sam back. I believe you two can do it. I'll do my best to help.”

 

“I know you will, Cas. I know. That's the problem.” Dean looked down at his hands, feeling hopeless.

 

Castiel squinted his eyes at Dean. “How do you mean?”

 

Dean sighed. “I saw you in the future, alright?”

 

Cas tilted his head, in his usual way.

 

“Interesting.” he answered, pondering the implications.

 

“You were human, Cas.”

 

Castiel pulled his eyebrows together, looking down at the grass. “That- that is strange indeed.”

 

“Yeah.. you were an orgy leading, stoned, apathetic hippie. It was weird.”

 

Cas frowned. “That doesn't sound like me at all.”

 

“That's the point Cas. I appreciate your help, I do.. I just.. It was hard, seeing that is the future you have to look forward to, after all you've done for us, for the world...for me.”

 

Castiel nodded. “You feel guilt.”

 

“You stayed. The angels left, you became human.”

 

Castiel smirked slightly. “That I do believe. Lately, I've come to prefer the company of humans to angels.”

 

_**Much of the time, I'd rather be here** _

 

“Cas-” Dean's voice was strained. “I don't wanna see you go down this road, man.”

 

Castiel placed his hand over Dean's shoulder, laying it over where his grace once burned Dean's flesh.

 

“You can't save everyone, Dean. My choices are my own.”

 

Dean took a deep breath, blinking his eyes that were now burning for some reason. No chick flick moments, he told himself.

 

_**If you love him, send him home** _

 

To be fair, he wasn't sure what he felt. He used to fear Castiel, but that wasn't so much the case anymore. Was it awe? Something else?

 

_**I told her it wasn't her fault her father left. He hated his job at the post office** _

 

“When this is over, win or lose, I want you to go back to Heaven, if you can.”

 

“I see.”

 

Dean heard a whoosh, and Castiel was gone. He leaned back on the windshield of the Impala, wondering if it was already too late.

 

“You suck at goodbyes.” he whispered to the night air. There was a pit inside him, deep down. He couldn't give a rat's ass about Heaven and the angels. But Cas was different.

 

_**Good things do happen, Dean.** _

 

“I wish you were right, Cas.” Dean spoke quietly, wondering if the angel was still listening, or if he was out searching for god again. He had so much conviction then. The complete opposite of the human who relished in decadence.

 

_**Why not bang a few gongs before the lights go out?** _

 

With a sigh, Dean returned to the motel. Sam was sleeping peacefully and he smiled. He laid down, hoping to get a few solid hours before they hit the road again.

 

Castiel found himself in a diner of all places. He ordered a coffee, if only to hold his seat and keep the kind human waitress appeased. He tried a sip, and found it strange. He wasn't sure what humans found appealing about it, but perhaps it had to do with the high caffeine content. He glanced out the window, noting that the parking lot was nearly empty at the 24 hour diner.

 

He found his conversation with Dean confusing. Just a week ago, Dean had told him he found his company enjoyable, that he'd had more fun together in 24 hours than in several years with Sam. Castiel contemplated that a moment, before deciding it was most likely Sam's serious, self-righteous personality that was the root of that problem. Although, Dean did seem to find his social blunders amusing. He didn't really grasp human humor very well. Nor was he much good at amusing angels.

 

Inwardly, Castiel frowned. Before the time hop, Dean was brave, telling Zachariah to just kill both him and Sam, because they would never say yes. Castiel could feel it, the cracks forming in Dean's resolution. Further, why was Dean so concerned about the fate of one single angel? Sure, he had helped the brothers. They had a common goal, a mission. Save the world without letting it become a battlefield for archangels.

 

So what was this twinge? Castiel recognized it as a stirring, the beginning to a new feeling. He wouldn't go so far as to call it emotion, as that was a clearly human trait, triggered by neurotransmitters in the brain. Angels don't have emotions. But they could sense things about their consciousness, and this...sensation was new. Foreign.

 

_“Cas! Cas!”_

 

Castiel winced at the call. Dean. Only Dean could get through to him so loudly. He appeared in the motel room the Winchesters were staying at. Ever since Zachariah got the drop on Dean, they had been keeping him informed of their whereabouts in case something happened.

 

He immediately went on high alert, scanning the area. He couldn't sense any angels or demons for that matter. The room was undisturbed, and both men were asleep. But he had felt Dean's call-

 

“Cas! No!” Dean called out in his sleep.

 

Castiel sat on the edge of the bed, squinting his eyes at Dean. He knew Dean was prone to nightmares, though it wasn't often he called for him so strongly in his sleep. He placed a finger to Dean's forehead.

 

Instantly he found himself in the middle of chaos. There were demons, and mutilated humans everywhere. Gunfire rang through the air. Bodies littered the ground, and he was vaguely aware that he was in some sort of sanitarium. He followed the trails of bodies, until he spotted Dean. He was on the ground, cradling a body.

 

“Cas! No! Come on!” he shook the body in his arms. Castiel felt his mouth go dry as he looked over Dean's shoulder. Sure enough, in his arms lay a _human_ resembling his own vessel. The human was clearly beyond help, pupils blown, throat nearly ripped out. There were no wing marks on the ground.

 

“Cas I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'll fix this. I promise.” Dean wept, large heaping sobs shaking his whole body. Castiel tilted his head curiously. He was surprised at Dean's distress.

 

“Dean, this is just a dream.” he said gently, touching Dean's shoulder. Dean didn't acknowledge his presence, and Castiel sucked his breath in, realizing this wasn't an active dream, it was a memory. Castiel could change and manipulate dreams, but memories were different. He would have to wipe them to stop this. Which he would never do without Dean's permission.

 

He followed Dean as he slowly let go of the body and rose to his feet. They ended up out in a garden, and watched in horror as Sam snapped Dean's neck. Castiel looked to his right and saw Dean standing there, talking to Sam. Looking between the two Dean's, realization dawned on him. This was what happened when he was sent to the future. Castiel squinted his eyes as Lucifer, in Sam's body gave a speech of how he fell from grace. That pompous ass always did like hearing himself talk.

 

Castiel could sense how terrified, sad and angry Dean was. As if they were his own emotions, and it was like a blow to the gut, nearly doubling him over. He had to end this nightmare. He willed himself out of Dean's consciousness.

 

“Dean. Wake up.” He spoke in a low voice, trying not to wake up Sam. Dean continued to thrash in his sleep. Castiel gripped Dean's cheek, sending the command straight into his mind.

 

_Dean. Wake up. NOW._

 

A fraction of a second later, Dean bolted upright, chest heaving.

 

“Cas?” he mumbled.

 

Castiel nodded. “You were having a nightmare.”

 

_**What were you dreaming about, Dean?** _

 

“I know..” Dean sighed. “Why are you here? What's up?”

 

Castiel squinted at Dean in the dim light coming through the blinds of the motel window.

 

“You called to me in your sleep, so I came.”

 

“Oh, sorry man. I didn't- I Jus...”

 

“It's alright, Dean. I tried to go into your dream to stop the nightmare, but it was a memory, wasn't it? I don't hold sway over memories the way I do dreams.” Castiel began to explain.

 

“Wait, you got into my head? Dude, what the hell?”

 

“You were in distress, Dean. For all I knew, other angels could've been invading your dream to get you to say yes.”

 

Dean yawned. “Alright fine. I get it. You did what you had to. Not that I'm not appreciative, but you can go. I need sleep.”

 

“I'll watch over you.”

 

Dean groaned. “Again with that?”

 

Castiel sighed. “Fine. I'll go.”

 

Dean heard a whoosh and knew Castiel was gone. He rolled over. He knew he was acting like an ass, but if he was going to keep Castiel from staying when it was all said and done, he couldn't afford to be close to him. It would just make it more difficult for the both of them. He wouldn't let Cas go mortal for him.

 

Castiel found himself in the bleachers of a high school football stadium across town. He pondered for a long moment the memory Dean relived in his sleep. It reminded Castiel of when he first pulled Dean from hell. How many times had Dean screamed out in his sleep for help? For the angel that saved him? Even if he wouldn't admit it, and didn't really remember when Castiel had touched him in his trueform, hand leaving an angry red mark on his soul as he was raised. Castiel remembered. How many times had Dean chased him off, scolding when he was woken from his nightmare by Castiel sitting or standing next to him, either waking him or burning out the painful memory with his grace?

 

It was no accident that Dean had a hard time remembering how he took up Alistair's offer, Castiel had tried to bury it deep in his subconscious. Unfortunately, when Alistair was captured, the angels were led to believe Dean would be able to extract the answers.

 

_**I would give anything...not to have you do this.** _

 

Castiel had meant it. Wrath flared briefly deep inside as he remembered how he had been betrayed by Uriel. Castiel had been just a regular soldier at the time- admittedly frustrated with his difficult assignment. He remembers Dean's pleading eyes, the sickening sensation that washed over him, as if he'd used up too much of his grace suddenly.

 

_**If I go in there, you might not like what walks back out** _

 

He didn't understand it, but he later came to understand it as regret, unease. Uncertainty, doubt. The first stirrings he had of being able to feel, to experience in the human dynamic. How he had been told to keep his distance as a consequence.

 

_**My superiors have begun to question my sympathies.** _

 

Castiel had no idea back then just how far he would go for his human charge. Just how deep his loyalty would run. It was strange, to think for billions of years he served God and Heaven only, and then in a few short months his loyalty had been won by the righteous man. But it..felt right. He still believed in his father, wherever he was. He would set this right.

 

He just wished he could do something to help Dean. He'd once been so self-assured that things would work out according to the master plan, but now he wasn't as confident. A thought struck him then; was the future Zachariah showed Dean really the future? Or just a fabricated illusion to make him say yes? Either way, Castiel would find out.

 

Castiel closed his eyes, feeling his grace stirring, whirling. He made a quick mental calculation, and let his wings carry him through space and time to the future that Dean had been dumped into.

 


	3. Welcome to Camp Chitaqua

“If I Could Change One Thing”

 

Chapter Three: Welcome to Camp Chitaqua

 

 

When Castiel landed, he found himself laying amid a pile of bodies. He bolted to his feet quickly, staggering. He felt blood drip from his vessel's nose and wiped it with the back of his hand. Following the fading trail Zachariah had paved drained much of his grace, and it was going to be difficult to maintain his vessel for a while. He would have to be careful. He made a face of disgust at the bullet riddled corpses, easily smelling the stench of taint. This must be the Croatoan virus Dean had spoken about.

 

Castiel glanced about, taking in his surroundings. He was in the ruins of Kansas City, of that he was sure. Dean had said Zachariah caught up with him in the hotel and sent him ahead of time there. So Castiel was probably quite close to where Dean landed. Good, he would try to pick up his trail. He rolled his shoulders, not having the energy to fly just yet. As he approached the outer limits of the quarantine zone, he noticed that dust had been kicked up on the ground. A vehicle had passed through recently.

 

Glancing at the horizon, he noted the sun was setting. He didn't exactly feel like getting pounced on by demons in this post-apocalypse world, so he found an abandoned vehicle and ducked inside, putting up a warding sigil in his own blood. There were no angels in this universe that he could feel, so he didn't need to hide from them.

 

He didn't have much of a plan, which was now becoming a problem. He knew where the sanitarium was, but Dean wouldn't be there for another day at least. Not that he wanted to find himself face to face with Lucifer. Castiel shivered. There wasn't much he truly feared, but all angels feared the first fallen. Well, except perhaps Michael.

 

It wasn't much later he heard a vehicle start up, perhaps a half mile away. Castiel followed the sound, quickly catching up. He paused, ducking behind the rusted out remains of a car. He peeked through the blown out windows, and sure enough, he saw Dean in the driver seat trying to get the vehicle moving.

 

Castiel made himself invisible as he approached.

 

“Come on, you son of a bitch..” Dean mumbled as he tried to get the vehicle moving. Castiel touched the hood of the car, using some of his last strength to make the stuck transmission catch into gear. It worked, and Castiel flew himself into the back seat, still invisible. He decided to rest and recover his strength. Dean drove for a bit, trying the radio, which was static.

 

“Well, that's never a good sign...” he griped.

 

Castiel jerked to alertness from his trance. He could feel it..another angel. Zachariah. Using all the grace he could muster, he dropped out of the car, landing on the road just as he felt Zachariah appear. He lay still for a moment, before coughing up blood.

 

He waited for several minutes, before realizing that Zachariah hadn't noticed him. Probably weak himself, after throwing Dean into the future. Although, Zachariah was a higher order of angel, a seraphim. Time travel was much easier for him than Castiel, a mere soldier.

 

Castiel dragged himself to his hands and knees, before sitting back. He watched as the tail lights disappeared down the highway into the dark. Injured and powerless, he would have a hard time following Dean now.

 

Castiel wandered for a long while, finally coming across a stopped car on the highway. To his luck, after several minutes, he was able to get it started. He put the gas pedal to the floor, trying to pick up Dean's trail. It wasn't long before it dawned on Castiel where Dean would have gone first.

 

Bobby Singer.

 

Castiel pulled up at what was left of Singer Salvage, but Dean wasn't there. He muttered frustrated curses in Enochian as he paced back and forth, trying to figure out where Dean could've gone. After the fifteenth or so pass through the living room, his eyes picked up on something amiss- a photograph on the desk. It was distinctly lacking the layer of dust everything else in the home had, including Bobby's wheelchair, complete with bullet holes. Castiel felt a twinge of sadness that the hunter who'd been a father to Dean had died in this timeline.

 

Castiel was surprised to himself in the photo, alongside Bobby and others he did not recognize. Neither Sam nor Dean were in the picture, and he could feel a lump building in his throat. He noted the sign in the corner of the picture- 'Camp Chitaqua' and took a deep breath before disappearing with a gust of wind.

 

The sun was setting as Castiel walked through the front gate. He was feeling much recovered from his time travel, but something about this world was..off. It was a strange feeling, almost like his grace was being slowly choked out.

 

There were some people milling about, who stopped and stared at him, but didn't say anything. He kept his gaze level, his face expressionless as he walked through the camp. He felt a pull, a twinge at his consciousness and he turned sharply to the left. There was a light on in the cabin, and as he strained to listen, he could hear Dean's voice.

 

“Hello Dean.” he greeted, the phrase felt natural at this point.

 

“What the-” Dean shouted, wheeling on him in an instant, gun drawn from his thigh holster.

 

Castiel stared at Dean for a long moment as realization dawned. This was not his Dean. This was the Dean from five years into the future.

 

“C-Cas?” Dean stuttered, eyes wide. His arms and shoulders relaxed slightly, but he kept his gun drawn. He looked like he'd seen a ghost.

 

“You're not the Dean I am looking for.” Castiel spoke in his usual, gravely monotone as if it would explain everything.

 

Dean gave Castiel an incredulous look, and pulled the trigger.

 

Castiel felt the twinge of the bullet passing through him, glancing down slowly. He had enough grace that the bullet wasn't able to hurt him, not really. He tilted his head curiously at Dean for a long moment.

 

“You know that won't hurt me.” he spoke softly.

 

“What the hell is going on?” Dean ground out, slowly holstering his gun. He tried to appear unphased, but Castiel could detect the slight shake in his hands, the uncertainty in his voice.

 

“Time travel. Zachariah sent you here in the past, so I followed.” Castiel explained, leaning against the doorway. It was a small human gesture he'd recently picked up, and he was quite proud of himself for it.

 

“You're...still an angel?” Dean asked softly, some emotion flickering across his hardened face. Castiel noted that his face looked wrong- too thin, he decided. Several creases etched into skin that in his time was still smooth.

 

“Of course. Why wouldn't I be?”

 

Dean looked away for a moment then looked back. Slowly, he closed the distance until they were mere inches apart. It was then that Castiel remembered what Dean had told him. In the future, he was human.

 

“It's..so hard to remember what you were like, who you used to be..” Dean's voice softened, barely above a whisper. His hand reached out, as if to touch Castiel's face, to make sure it was real, but he withdrew at the last moment.

 

Castiel tilted his head in confusion. “I really changed that much?”

 

Dean gave a pathetic chuckle. “The apocalypse changed all of us. I wish you didn't have to live it.”

 

“Dean, you know I'd much rather be on Earth.”

 

Dean offered a sad smile, before pouring himself some whiskey. “I know, Cas. That's the problem. What time are you from?”

 

“2009.”

 

Dean nodded slowly. “When you picked sides, you were cut off from Heaven. When the angels give up, which they will unless your Dean says yes..” he pointed at Castiel, a serious look on his face. “You fall, and become human.”

 

Castiel looked aside. “I know. But I can't let you say yes to Michael.”

 

Dean groaned softly, then downed the whiskey in one quick gulp. “It's the only way to guarantee this never happens. I say yes to Michael, Lucifer gets killed, Sammy never gets a chance to say yes...and you return to Heaven as an angel.”

 

“Dean, if you say yes..you may not come back. If you survive the fight you'll be...different.”

 

“I know Cas. You warned me. I saw Raphael's vessel, remember? You told me it'd be worse. Doesn't matter. If I could go back and say yes, I would.”

 

“Why are you so eager to throw your life away? Surely you understand how much you mean to me? I turned my back on Heaven for _you,_ Dean _._ Do you really wish to throw away my sacrifice?” Castiel's face was a mixture of anger and sadness. It hurt Dean to look at him.

 

“That's the point Cas. You did your damn best, and it just wasn't enough. This time, let me protect _you._ ”

 

Castiel frowned. “You're just a human, Dean.”

 

“Vessel for the most powerful archangel on Earth.” he stated, cocking an eyebrow.

 

Castiel crossed his arms. Dean put a hand on his shoulder gently.

 

“In 2009 I was too wrapped up in my self-loathing from hell and defiance of this destiny forced on me. But I loved you then. Still do. No matter how bad it got, you never left. Watching you fall, and fall apart after, it changed me. Probably just as much as losing Sam to Lucifer did.” Dean gave Castiel's shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

 

Castiel took a deep breath at the familiarity of it.

 

_**Don't ever change.** _

 

“Give yourself a visit, Cas. You'll understand what I mean when I say it isn't worth it. I'm ok with dying for this. Save the world, and save you and Sam? I died and went to hell for less. Besides, when I make it upstairs I'm sure you'll keep me company so I don't get too bored.” Dean slowly dropped his arm, offering Castiel a signature wink.

 

It was strange for him, to see how much Dean had changed, yet some things hadn't changed at all.

 

“Even then, you loved me?” Castiel asked quietly, his intense gaze burning a hole through Dean.

 

Dean turned to face Castiel again, meeting his gaze for a long moment. The way they always used to.

 

“I first started feeling it when Alistair had you- I didn't know what he was doing- I thought you were going to be hurt or killed. Scared the hell out of me. But when Raphael exploded you, I was so..furious. I was hurt and lost and angry and didn't know what to do about it. I grieved you. At least until Zach was torturing me and you showed up.” Dean smirked. “I loved watching that smug son of a bitch have the fear of god put in him.”

 

Castiel's eyes crinkled slightly at the corners in amusement. If he ever got the chance, he would make Zachariah suffer for his treatment of Dean. Castiel glanced around the room for a moment before saying.

 

“If you love me...then why?”

 

“Cas, just because you love someone, doesn't mean you get to go and ruin their life. I don't want this for you. And this- this forbidden love we have? Cas, we destroyed the world so we could stay together. No matter how much I love you, I can't let that happen. So if I could change one thing, and one thing only..don't go mortal, Cas. If the angels leave, go with them.”

 

Castiel looked contemplative. “I'm going to go talk to myself.”

 

Dean nodded. “Be prepared-humanity didn't do you any favors.”

 

Castiel squared his shoulders and nodded, before turning to leave.

 

“Cas?” Dean called softly.

 

“Yes, Dean?” he answered over his shoulder.

 

“I missed you. The real you.” Dean's voice broke slightly, and Castiel gripped the door frame as he felt a rush of emotion through their bond. Sadness, grief, self-loathing, unconditional love. He took a deep breath and left the cabin. He had no problem finding his future self, the barest traces of grace acting like a homing beacon.

 

The wooden beads in the doorway clanged as he strode through, a man on a mission. He stood in the middle of the room as his future self stretched lazily before rolling out of bed.

 

“I was wondering when you'd show. I felt it the moment you arrived..” Clumsily, the future Cas made his way over. He whistled slowly, eyeballing his past self. Reverently he placed a hand to Castiel's chest, closing his eyes with a soft smile.

 

“I can feel it. Your grace. It recognizes me.”

 

Castiel nodded. “Of course.” he tilted his head, scrutinizing his future self. “Dean was correct. You're under the influence of some sort of intoxicant.”

 

The future Cas laughed pathetically. “I know, you're disappointed. Hell, I am too, when I can be bothered to care.”

 

“Dean cares about you. Why do this to yourself? To him?”

 

Cas froze, and for a moment, sadness was shown across his face before it settled back to casual indifference.

 

“We don't do well as a human. It sucks. Anna was wrong. All these...” and he made a vague wave of his hand. “Emotions. Urges. It's too much. I'd give anything to be an angel again.”

 

Castiel frowned. “Would you give up Dean? Would you abandon him in the middle of this mess?”

 

Future-Cas considered it, before nodding. “I think I would. Helping him didn't make a difference. The world is still ending, Lucifer is still wearing Sam. The angels, god, all gone.” He almost convinced himself with the lie. He wondered if his angelic counterpart was so easily fooled.

 

“I...I can't leave Dean.” Castiel spoke firmly.

 

“I know.” A pathetic choked off laugh escaped Cas-from-the-future's lips. “I loved him so damn much back then. It consumed my world. It was just Dean, Dean, Dean. But he changed when Sam died. I changed when I lost my grace. In the middle of it all, we became so different that this bond between us... It just didn't survive.” The Castiel of the future made himself comfortable on the edge of the bed before lighting up a joint.

 

“Want some?” He offered.

 

“That won't affect me. But, no.” Castiel said resolutely.

 

_**Don't ever change** _

 

So this is what Dean feared.

 

“He still loves you. Your Dean.” Castiel spoke quietly.

 

Cas laughed- it was too loud, maniacal almost. He chuckled, shaking his head as he spoke.

 

“Ah, no. I'm afraid not. He loves _you_. He loves the idea of what I used to be. He loves the angel that rescued him from hell. He loves the rebel who fought by his side. He loves the socially akward idiot who couldn't get laid in a whore-house with a handful of cash.”

 

Castiel raised an eyebrow at that. That was a very recent memory for him.

 

“What you-we-become? Dean doesn't look at us the same. It's full of pity and sadness. Not awe and reverence. All this fighting, and we lost ourselves along the way.”

 

“Do we-you- still love him?”

 

Cas nodded. “I don't think we'll ever stop. I wish I could. I wish you could, and turn this whole thing around.”

 

“In my time, Dean from 2009 was sent here. He already came back, which is why I came here. I am guessing he'll show up here any minute. He already changed the future, I think. He called Sam back. They're staying together.”

 

The future Cas took a deep breath. “I don't know if that will change things enough, but it might. I wish you would save yourself the heart ache though. Let Dean go.”

 

Castiel looked down. “I...I can't do that.”

 

Future Cas smiled, soft, genuine. “I know you can't. I was doomed the moment I touched his soul in hell.”

 

Castiel made a slight nod of confirmation.

 

“There were good times though?” he asked hopefully.

 

Cas grinned. “Many. Of course we were trying to fight a hopeless battle against the apocalypse, but there were so many moments. Wonderful moments, before we became unrecognizable to each other.”

 

Castiel looked contemplative. “There is hope then.”

 

Cas smirked slightly, pouring himself a glass of moonshine. He offered the bottle to Castiel, who waved him off. “Yeah, maybe there is.”

 

“You should go to him.”

 

“What?” future Cas froze.

 

“Dean. Your Dean. He's going to get the colt and try to stop Lucifer, right?”

 

Cas nodded. “If he's lucky.”

 

“Might be his last night on Earth. I think..no, I know...I can feel it..he'd like to see you.”

 

Future Cas smiled a bit, a real smile this time.

 

“I will be returning to my time now. You'll be seeing my Dean soon. Don't tell him I was here.”

 

“Of course. My lips are sealed.”

 

Castiel nodded, disappearing in a rush of wind back to his own time.

 

Cas shook his head. “I miss my wings.” he glanced at the moonshine, and thought better of it. He set the glass down, and made his way to Dean's cabin. He waltzed in, unannounced, plunking himself down in a chair, an air of confidence and defiance about him.

 

“Something you need, Cas?” Dean asked without looking up from his map.

 

“You're going to get the colt tomorrow.” Cas spoke with an air of boredom.

 

“That's the plan.”

 

“Could be your last night on Earth.” Cas drawled, eyebrow raised. Dean slowly looked up from his map, pinning Cas with a hardened gaze.

 

_**Last night on Earth, what are your plans?** _

 

“Yeah no kidding. What's your point?” Dean looked aggravated, and so, so, tired. Cas stood, wobbling only slightly. His buzz was wearing off and soon he'd be completely sober. He closed in on Dean, invading his personal space like he once did. When he was an angel. When he had this yearning he couldn't understand, couldn't control. He stared intently into Dean's eyes, basking in the familiarity of it. Memories and emotions came bursting forth, of stolen glances between battles, on the road in the impala, meetings and goodbyes and everything in between.

 

Dean inhaled sharply, glancing down at Castiel's eyes, then to his lips and back up.

 

“Cas?” he whispered, voice catching in his throat slightly.

 

“This grand story of ours..of an angel who went to the depths of hell for the righteous man. Who rebelled against Heaven, fought archangels and stayed behind when the host left..of a righteous man who fought against destiny..I think it needs a good ending, Dean.”

 

Dean nodded slowly.

 

“If this is the last time we see each other, I want it to be a good memory.” Cas continued, emotion filling his voice.

 

“Cas...” Dean whispered, a tear going down his face. This was the cleanest he'd seen Cas in a while, and in this moment, he could see his Castiel. His angel. So similar to the one who'd left his cabin an hour ago.

 

“I love you Dean. I always have. I'm going to follow this to the end.”

 

Dean took several deep, shuddering breaths. Trying to calm his raging emotions. Emotions he'd buried for the past year between a hard exterior and a lot of whiskey.

 

“I know Cas, I know. That's what I'm so damn afraid of. Losing you. You're all that's left.”

 

Cas fixed Dean with a stern look. “You won't. We'll go together. I promise.” he touched his hand to Dean's cheek, a familiar, soothing touch. Some years ago, that touch could've killed, could've repaired injuries or brought someone back from death. Now it served only to brush away a tear, to offer a small amount of human comfort in a world so terrible and full of pain.

 

Dean grasped Castiel's hand with his, taking a deep breath.

 

“Thank you, Cas. For everything.”

 

Cas nodded. He knew what Dean meant.

 

“You know what I missed most about being an angel?” he asked quietly.

 

Dean stared at Cas, confused for a long moment. It had been a long time since either of them had brought that particular loss to light.

 

“Hearing your prayers. Granted, some of them were downright absurd, or insulting. Some could've made that whore Chastity blush. But I cherished that connection. Being able to hear you reaching out to me, feeling your faith in me. That was the hardest part about falling. The silence.”

 

Dean choked back a sob, resolve gone. He'd been strong for so damn long. He grabbed Cas, pulling him in close, burying his face in the top of his head as he shook, fighting a war with his emotions.

 

Cas returned the embrace, shoving gently. Dean felt the bed at the back of his knees and tumbled backwards, following Cas' lead. Soon he was peppered with kisses, all over his face, his neck, his shoulder. Cas' hands made quick work of his jacket and flannel. When he was down to just a tank, Cas placed his hand on his shoulder, over the faded white mark. When his grace disappeared, the mark began to fade. That had been difficult for them both.

 

Dean felt his heart skip a beat, looking into Cas' intense stare. Once upon a time, he would've felt the spark of connection, the brush in his mind. With Cas' mojo gone, that too slipped away. He never stopped to appreciate that Cas missed the closeness just as much as he did. He allowed Cas to lay him on his back, never breaking eye contact.

 

“I miss it too.” He confirmed quietly.

 

It was like a dam broke. Cas was all over him, kissing deeply into his mouth. He wrapped his arms around Cas, gripping tightly. As if he were afraid the fallen angel would vanish. He opened his mouth to him, and moaned loudly when Cas' tongue dragged across the roof of his mouth. He felt his breath quicken as his pants tightened. Cas noticed too, because a moment later he felt pressure on his hard dick, grinding against him. He panted heavily into Cas' mouth at the contact.

 

“Dean, you're hard already..” Cas whispered against his lips, teasing.

 

“I've been..waiting a long time. For you to come back to me.” he answered quietly.

 

Cas chuckled, biting into Dean's neck. “No chick flick moments.” he mumbled. Dean couldn't resist a small smile at that. He felt Cas sucking at his neck, knowing it'd leave a mark. He didn't care. He tugged at Cas' shirt, yanking it off. He relished the feel of Cas' bare chest against his. A memory drifted to him then, of a night years ago, in the impala. Of how Cas had pressed their bare chests together, hand over the brand on his arm. How he came apart feeling the connection between them surge, Cas' grace touching him on the ethereal plane, bringing untold pleasure.

 

A wet mouth wrapped around his dick caught his attention and brought it back to the present. He gasped, his hips twitching in response at the pleasure. He glanced down and caught Cas' gaze, intense blue staring straight through him.

 

“What were you thinking about, Dean?” he whispered, dragging his tongue over the head of Dean's cock.

 

“You. Us. When you used your grace to pleasure me.”

 

Cas raised an eyebrow. Dean could see a shadow of sadness pass over his lover's face.

 

“It's a good memory, Cas.” Dean spoke softly, running his fingers through dark hair.

 

“That connection..we'll never have it again.” Cas stopped, looking away. Dean gripped his chin, tilting his head up to plant a kiss on Cas' forehead.

 

“We won't forget it. It'll always be part of our...story as you called it.”

 

Cas nodded, relaxing slightly. He returned his mouth to Dean's cock, earning a low growl.

 

“Cas...fuck...” he mumbled. He felt Cas' mouth vibrate around him in response.

 

“Are you laughing at me?” Cas didn't answer, merely sucking Dean deep down his throat. Dean grabbed the sheets and swore loudly.

 

“Ugh, Cas. Slow down. You're gonna embarrass me..” Dean pleaded, feeling the pleasure building rapidly. But Cas showed no signs of slowing down. If anything he sped up. A moment later and Dean was shaking, his cum pouring down Cas' throat. He watched in awe as Cas sucked it down eagerly before standing up.

 

Cas had a look on his face, terrifying, powerful, familiar. Dean remembered this look. Oh, he remembered it well. He wasn't sure if he should be terrified or aroused. Firm hands grabbed his hips, shoving him backwards on the bed, sliding him back. He gasped at the bruising grip, eyes wide as he watched. Even with his powers gone, Cas was still strong. Deceivingly so. How had Dean forgotten?

 

The grip on his hips lowered, before slithering to the inside of his legs. His pants and boots were quickly removed, and a moment later Cas was lifting his balls with one hand, the other cool and slick, circling his hole. Dean gave Cas a questioning look, which was answered with the same powerful, consuming stare. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a bottle of lube on the bed. As he contemplated its origin, a finger breached him, slowly, carefully.

 

Dean tilted his head back, taking a deep breath. Willing himself to relax. It had been so long. Way too long. They'd both taken female lovers to pass the time. But this was different.

 

“Dean.” Cas' spoke, voice deep and commanding. Oh, it sounded so good to hear Cas like that. Dean's heart jumped at the sound, at the same time a hollow, lonely pit opened in his stomach. He missed this, he missed everything. And now, there was almost no time left. No time for them. Perhaps there never was.

 

“Y-yes?” Dean answered slowly.

 

“Spread yourself for me.” Cas' voice was gravelly and sure. Dean immediately obliged, bringing his legs back to his shoulders as far as he was able. An old injury ached in his knee, but he ignored it.

 

A moment later, a second finger joined the first, probing and moving with precision. Dean nearly screamed when Cas stroked over his prostate. A smirk danced across Cas' lips at his reaction.

 

“Sensitive are we?” he teased, pressing again for emphasis.

 

Dean shivered in pleasure, squirming. He felt Cas' other hand on his chest, holding him down firmly. It didn't help, if anything it made him squirm more. Cas worked his fingers in Dean for several minutes, getting him thoroughly relaxed and slick. Slowly, he withdrew his fingers.

 

Before Dean could relax, he felt Cas' hard dick at his hole. Gentle, but insistent. Unyielding. He flicked his eyes open, getting lost in Cas' intense blue stare. Slowly, the former angel filled him up, burying his dick to the hilt. Dean shivered as Cas bottomed out.

 

“C-Cas...Cas!” he moaned, struggling to keep eye contact. Cas gave a gentle push inwards in response. Pleasure tingled up through his body from the movement.

 

“Castiel...” Dean whispered softly. He was lost, lost in that intense blue gaze, lost to the full pleasure Cas was providing. Lost to six years of love, hidden just underneath the surface. Slowly, Cas withdrew.

 

“Say it again. Please..” he pleaded softly, blinking back tears. Dean hesitated, and Cas pushed forward, filling him up to the brim once again.

 

“Castiel.....” Dean drew out the name, long and reverent. Cas began to move steadily, gradually increasing the force of his thrusts. He felt Cas grip his hip with one hand, shoulder with the other, overlaying the hand print. Dean made loud moans and pants of pleasure. Cas was stoic, content to watch Dean as he worked his dick in him.

 

“Castiel...Cas, Cas....Castiel...” Dean chanted, eyes closing in pleasure. Cas felt a shiver go down his spine. It reminded him almost of a prayer.

 

“Dean..” he moaned, feeling his own pleasure beginning to build. “You still belong to me.” his rich voice whispered against Dean's ear.

 

“Yes, Cas. Castiel. My Cas. My angel.” Dean moaned encouragingly, and Cas couldn't hold back. He pounded into Dean relentlessly, bed shaking.

 

“Dean!” Cas shouted, cock twitching deep inside of Dean as he came hard. He shook, breathless, the sound of his name on Dean's lips sending shivers down his spine. After a long moment, he withdrew. He felt Dean draw him up into his arms. Cas inhaled deeply, the smell of pungent gunpowder and generic camp soap. Distinctly Dean, of the current time, at least. He felt Dean's fingers caress his chest and smiled.

 

“Castiel.” Dean whispered against his ear. Cas shivered in delight.

 

“It's been so long since anyone called me that.” he mused quietly.

 

_**Prayer is a sign of faith** _

 

“I pray to Castiel to watch over me tonight as I sleep.” Dean murmured into his neck, pulling him close with a vice grip. Cas felt a smile tug at his lips.

 

_**Damnit Cas! That's just creepy!** _

 

“Thought you said it was creepy.” he retorted.

 

Dean sighed. “Funny how those little grievances end up being the thing we miss most, isn't it?”

 

Cas nodded.

 

“You once told me prayer was a sign of faith. The only faith I have left is in you, Cas.”

 

Cas' eyes widened as he stared at Dean. He felt his stomach do a little flip as a warm feeling rushed through his body. Happiness, he realized distantly. It'd been so long, he'd nearly forgotten what that felt like.

 

“I need you to stay here tomorrow while I get the colt. But I promise I'll come back. We'll kill Lucifer together.” Dean spoke with a voice rough from their exertions.

 

 

Cas snorted. “More likely to die trying.”

 

Dean said nothing, but placed a kiss to the back of Cas' head.

 

Cas lay awake for hours, enjoying the warmth of Dean pressed up against his back. He decided then, that win or lose, he was ok with the outcome. In the end, he had Dean, and that was all that mattered. Nothing lasted forever, after all. He remembered what he said to Dean, all those years ago.

 

_**To everything there is a season** _

 

Some distant part of him hoped that the past versions of themselves would be able to right this- that things won't end up this badly. Yet another part of him feared just what that would cost. He let his mind wander- over all he and Dean had shared of the years.

 

So much loss. Bobby, Ellen and Jo, Sam. Gabriel. Countless other angels whose names he could no longer remember. Yet through it all, they stayed together. What would fate have in store for them, if they changed the course of the future? Would they find their way to one another, or was this just the outcome of unfathomable tragedy?

 

Cas sighed. He didn't have the strength to give this up, even if it meant saving the world. For everyone's sake, he hoped Dean did. In that way, he could love Dean from afar. At least, until Dean went to heaven. Cas smiled, wondering what Dean's heaven would become. His mind shifted through the possibilities as he fell asleep, of hundreds and thousands of years together in safety and bliss, without destiny or an apocalypse hanging over their heads. Maybe, just maybe..in some other timeline, some other future, that could happen. Would happen.

 

-16 Hours later-

 

_**Are you coming?** _

 

_**Of course.** _

 


	4. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first Supernatural fic, and my first AO3 fic! Hopefully the formatting isn't too bad, it definitely took me a bit to figure out how to get things to look right on this site. I'm used to being able to use a document uploader with other sites.
> 
> I recommend listening to "Call Me" by Shinedown while reading this chapter. It somewhat inspired the ending.

“If I Could Change One Thing”

 

Epilogue

 

 

 

 

When Castiel returned to the future, he wasn't totally certain of his path. Dean had been pushing him away ever since being sent to the future. He understood, to an extent. They couldn't let that future happen. But he didn't think that putting distance between the two of them was the answer.

 

But events kept escalating. There were the horsemen that had to be dealt with, a run in with Gabriel. They lost Ellen and Jo. Gabriel sacrificed himself to save the Winchesters and left them instruction in how to open the cage again. Castiel had tried to get Dean to talk about the future he saw, but it was never the right time. There was always something more pressing at hand.

 

Then, he almost lost him.

 

 

_**I rebelled for this? So you can surrender to them?** _

 

Not his finest moment. He'd let his hurt, his betrayal, his love get the better of him. All that he'd done, and Dean wanted to throw away his sacrifices. To save Adam. Noble, sure...but had Castiel truly given up everything for nothing?

 

_**Not for nothing Cas, last time someone looked at me like that, I got laid** _

 

 

Castiel scowled. Dean was obviously trying to wound him, as he had wounded Bobby and Sam. Using his budding feels as a barb. Briefly, he contemplated if it was worth it anymore. Tactically, logically, probably not. But..

 

Castiel had always been a being of compassion. No matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't abandon them now. Even if he had no faith left in Dean. The prize fight came up quickly. Sam decided to say yes in hopes of overpowering Lucifer and throwing himself into the pit. But he couldn't over power Lucifer.

 

Deep down, Castiel knew it would end in tragedy. There was nothing else to do. Angels were complex, not limited by emotions and physical bodies. An angel could easily put their host's consciousness to sleep, and often did. Castiel did, when Jimmy was still there. He thought it a kindness, for Jimmy to not be aware of the demons being burned out, of the horrors of the apocalypse unfolding. Castiel kept him in a quiet, dream-filled sleep, not unlike his version of heaven.

 

He knew archangels were different. Their raw power often burnt out the host, leaving an empty husk. Had his desire to save Dean been out of compassion for the soul he pulled from hell, or his own selfish attachment? He couldn't be sure. And yet...

 

He found himself following him. If this was the end, he didn't want to see what was beyond. His future-self was right; he couldn't just leave Dean. He would always follow him. To hell, to the end, to the Empty, it didn't matter. He managed to buy Dean a few minutes with his holy fire molotov, which was Bobby's idea. Castiel was at peace with his fate. At least Lucifer had killed him quickly.

 

Then he was put back.

 

 

“Cas, you're alive?” Dean asked. It was difficult to look at him, broken and bloody from Sam's fists, at Lucifer's behest.

 

“I'm better than that.” Castiel replied, pressing two fingers to Dean's forehead. Instantly, Dean was made whole again.

 

They stared at each other for a long moment. Castiel was proud of the brothers for being able to lock Lucifer away. Proud of Sam for overcoming the powerful archangel in his mind. He felt pity for Dean, having lost his brother. His family.

 

Dean glanced up at Castiel, feeling relieved. He'd been about 30 seconds away from putting the muzzle of his 1911 Colt to the roof of his mouth and pulling the trigger. Sam, Bobby, Cas, all gone. End of the line.

 

Dean saw the flicker of concern and compassion on Castiel's face.

 

“Cas, are you god?” He blurted out. This was the second time Castiel had been exploded on a molecular level and came back.

 

“No, but that's a nice compliment. Although, I do believe he brought me back.”

 

There was so much Dean wanted to say. Thanks for coming back to me. Thanks for being there til the end. But then Castiel turned away.

 

Dean would realize later he was still in shock, trying to process everything that had happened so quickly. He hadn't even had a chance to mourn the loss of Castiel before he was back. Even though he'd sat alone in that cemetary for the better part of an hour after Sam jumped into the pit.

 

“New and Improved.” Castiel added, approaching where Bobby lay.

 

Castiel could feel the thrum of power in his vessel. He was no foot soldier now, he was a seraphim. The highest order of angel, right below archangel. Healing Dean hadn't phased him, and as he knelt at Bobby's side, he had faith he would be able to perform a miracle.

 

_**Good things do happen, Dean...** _

 

Castiel touched Bobby's face, watching as he sat upright with a start. He squinted at the old hunter for a moment, nodding slightly. Everything was as it should be.

 

Except Sam was in hell, trapped in the cage with Lucifer and Michael, Dean reminded himself. The world was saved, and Bobby, Cas and Dean made it out of the apocalypse. Dean had made his choice. The one he couldn't make before. He chose to allow his brother to sacrifice himself for the greater good.

 

Then there was Castiel, angel of the lord. More powerful than he'd ever been. Dean had never felt like the distance between them was greater.

 

“What are you gonna do now?” Dean asked, looking to the angel in the passenger seat.

 

“Return to Heaven, I suppose.” Castiel mused.

 

_**When this is over, win or lose, I want you to go back to Heaven if you can** _

 

“Heaven?” Dean asked incredulously.

 

“With Michael in the cage, I'm sure it's total anarchy up there.” Castiel explained.

 

“So what, you're the new sheriff in town?” Dean gave Castiel a disbelieving, sideways glance.

 

Castiel squinted his eyes at Dean for a moment. Isn't this what Dean wanted? Before scoffing.

 

“I like that. Yeah, I suppose I am.” he answered. What else was he to do, when he had promised Dean he would do just that?

 

“Wow. God gives you a brand new, shiny set of wings, and suddenly you're his bitch again.” Dean grumbled.

 

Castiel felt flustered. What did Dean want from him? He'd made it blatantly clear he didn't want Castiel to stay.

 

“I don't know what god wants. I don't know if he'll even return. It just..seems like the right thing to do.” Castiel felt hope rise in his chest. Was Dean going to ask him to stay?

 

“Well, if you do see him, you tell him I'm coming for him next.” Dean said, venom lacing his voice. Castiel turned his eyes towards the hunter.

 

“You're angry.” he said softly, reading Dean like a book.

 

“That's an understatement.”

 

“He helped.” Castiel implored. Dean scoffed at the response.

 

“Maybe even more than we realize.” Castiel mused.

 

“That's easy for you to say. He brought you back. But what about Sam?” Dean's voice climbed as he spoke.

 

Castiel felt a pang of sadness. Of course this wasn't going to be easy for Dean to accept. Saving the world had costed him his brother. Castiel turned his compassionate eyes towards Dean.

 

“What about me? Huh? Where's my grand prize?” Castiel could practically feel the anger, guilt, despair radiating off of Dean.

 

He felt for the hunter. He truly did. He never wished for any of this to happen. Yet, the end result was better than they could have hoped for. Selfishly, Castiel realized he was glad Dean survived through it. Though his compassion for Dean ran deep, he was becoming frustrated.

 

“You got what you asked for, Dean. No Paradise, No Hell. Just More of the same.” He challenged.

 

Dean was quiet.

 

“I mean it, Dean. What would you rather have? Peace, or freedom?”

 

_**I wish circumstances were different** _

 

Castiel could feel Dean cracking, and so he left the hunter to grieve alone.

 

“Well, you really suck at goodbyes, you know that?” Dean said when he realized the angel had left. But Cas had heard him.

 

He was aware. Castiel didn't like saying goodbye. It felt too final. Dean had said enough goodbyes lately as it was.

 

Castiel was contemplative as he sat under the sunny sky of an eternal Tuesday afternoon. A heaven, belonging to an autistic man who drowned in a bathtub. He liked this particular Heaven. It was peaceful. It made it easy for him to think.

 

Dean made his choice. He chose free will. He chose a life of normalcy over hunting. He chose to have Castiel return to his duties in heaven, instead of becoming human and being his companion. Castiel would stand by those choices. Humans were better at making them.

 

Dean got what he wanted. He changed the one thing about the future that truly terrified him.

 

_**Just because you love someone doesn't mean you get to go and ruin their life** _

 

So Castiel stayed away, while Dean built a new life with Lisa and Ben.

 

_It'll be okay._

 

Dean told himself as he drove the rest of the way to Lisa's home, minus one angel in the passenger seat. He always knew this could only go one of two ways. Castiel would fall, or he'd return to Heaven. Dean made his choice, so why did it hurt him so much?

 

_It'll be okay._

 

Dean told himself everytime he woke up from the same nightmare. The snap of his brother's fingers. Splat. Castiel's vessel sprayed across the ground. A flick of the wrist, Bobby's neck wrenching around with a sickening crunch. Looking into his brother's eyes and seeing Lucifer staring back at him.

 

“I tried to be nice, Dean. But you are such a pain in my ass.”

 

His brother's fists raining down mercilessly on his face.

 

A pause.

 

“It's gonna be okay, Dean. I've got him.”

 

Sam falling into the pit, taking Michael and Lucifer with him.

 

He looked to the foot of the bed, heart dropping when he realized he'd never wake up to find an angel watching over him again.

 

_**What were you dreaming about, Dean?** _

 

_It'll be okay_

 

Dean told himself when the bang of a nail gun into a two by four set him on edge, adrenaline racing through his veins as he reached for the back of his pants instinctively. But there was no gun there. Not anymore.

 

_It'll be okay_

 

Dean told himself when he choked back a sob at the dinner table. Lisa and Ben had asked him to pray over their Sunday night dinner. He couldn't. He was still too angry. He was also too afraid who might answer, but he wouldn't admit that, even to himself.

 

_**Prayer is a sign of faith** _

 

_It'll be okay_

 

Dean told himself as he curled up in the back seat of the impala. It was dusty, stale even, after spending months neglected under a plastic tarp. He could still smell gun powder that had spilled in the crease of the seat when Castiel had sat back there, insisting on helping by packing salt rounds. For an angel, he was pretty clumsy.

 

_It'll be okay_

 

Dean told himself as the flask slipped between his fingers and he closed his eyes, pleasantly drunk. Lisa always knew when he was having a hard time, and tried to be there for him. It made him feel worse. Her soft, kind eyes weren't what he wanted. He longed for piercing, ancient blue.

 

_It'll be okay_

 

He told himself as he raked leaves. For a moment, he felt a presence, and his heart nearly jumped out of his chest as he turned around, expecting an angel in a trench coat. But there was nothing. His heart sank. He should've known better.

 

_It'll be okay_

 

He told himself as he finally cleaned out the trunk, and found Sam's revolver. He clutched it tightly, closing his eyes. Every time he thought he was past it, something would rip the wound open all over again.

 

_It'll be okay_

 

He reminded himself as he sat on a park bench, waiting for Ben to finish up his soccer game. He was immediately reminded of one of the first real conversations he had with Castiel.

 

_**I'm not a hammer, as you say. I have doubts.** _

 

_It'll be okay_

 

He told himself as he looked up to the stars with Lisa one clear evening, and absently wondered if Cas was still watching, listening.

 

_It'll be okay_

 

He told himself over and over, like a mantra. Until eventually he believed his own lie. He was alive, and he was out of the hunter's life. He had saved the world for the last god damn time.

 

Both Dean and Castiel lamented the price. They didn't know it at the time, but Castiel would soon be involved in the most devastating civil war in Heaven since Lucifer's rebellion. The year apart and events that would unfold from there would put such a rift between the two, that they would never be the same again. One betrayal after another, to another tragedy, and the world would need saving once more.

 

The world would always need saving once more. Every time, they lost a piece of themselves. The great love story, that never was. Never could be. Dean had made his choice, and changed the one thing that came to pass in another life. The one thing he never knew he needed. Castiel knew. For he would mourn the loss of what could have been for the rest of his long existence.

 

Free will is a length of rope, Castiel would later decide. God wants you to hang yourself with it.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always wondered why Castiel and Dean never got their crap together in canon. Producer/Actor/Network politics aside, this is my idea of why it never happened. Missing scenes from the show so to speak. I hope you enjoyed.


End file.
